TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully outside of put. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let's have A further area in which American Adult men can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he really should end making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the venture, replied, "You know, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a Trump Tower Damascus lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where by my PTSD can have switch-down provider."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."

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